The Friendship Virus

Contrary to popular belief, I have friends. Really good friends. Unfortunately, one or two of these friends acts like the internet and email are brand new toys that must be abused until the stuffing and batteries fall out. One of my friends sends me these “affirmation” emails.

You know the ones. They usually start out with some inspiring story of friendship or relationship with God and near the end the email implores you to “Send this to all your friends, including the one who sent it to you”. The latest one had a points system:

0 Replies: You may need to work on your "people skills".
2 Replies: You are nice but probably need to be more outgoing.
4 Replies: You have picked your friends well.
6 Replies: You are downright popular.
8 Replies or More: You are totally awesome (and that's probably why you're on MY list).


This is the single most annoying SPAM/VIRUS in the world and so many people fall for it that it’s damn near insulting that we call ourselves the dominant species on Earth. Don’t kid yourself though, this is the single most widespread virus in the world…worse than the Flu.

Why?

Because IT departments can’t filter it out. It is almost impossible to stop someone from accepting these emails and resending them to their entire address book. And countless people do this crap everyday.

“Oh, I’ll send this to 20 of my ‘friends’ because it’s cute and I want to know how many are my true friends.”

A true friend doesn’t need to stroke your ego everyday. A true friend will come over to your house to do it, while he eats all your chips.

I never resend this crap. Only once has any of my friends called me out on it.

Friend: “Did you get that email I sent you?”

Me: “The one with the Precious Moments angel?”

Friend: “Yeah, that’s the one.”

Me: “Yeah.”

Friend: “Why didn’t you send it back?”

Me: “Because you sent it, I would think that you’d already seen it.”

Friend: “I know, but…”

Me: “I’m already your friend. If you want a fan club, open an amusement park.”

That ended those emails. It took me another three months to convince them that they will NEVER see “something cool happen on the screen”, “receive free shoes from Reebok”, “receive a gift-certificate from Old Navy”, or “receive free movie passes” if they forward an email to 10 or more people.

I’ve got friends, they just don’t send me very many emails anymore.