Parents who hate their children, Vol. 1

Have you ever heard someone’s name and immediately think that their parents must have hated them? This column is dedicated to those select people in our world whose parents wished they died from SIDS.

Our first installment is a gentleman whose current claim to fame is to be violently hated by most of Texas. (I’m not a Texan, but my guess is that anyone who bashes a Texan instantly becomes hated by half that state…the other half speaks Spanish.) He is the chairman of the World Anti-Doping Agency. This organization has been allegedly attempting to defame the One Nutted Texan who has won the largest bicycle race in the world a record seven times. Apparently, no one outside of America believes that an American can actually be a successful athlete without being on drugs…thanks Barry.

The man is named Richard W. Pound. Dick Pound.
Dick Pound hails from Quebec, and while they do speak French in Quebec, the humor in his name could not be lost on his classmates. Can you imagine growing up named Dick Pound? Morning Roll Call would sound like this…

Teacher: “Palermo…Donny?”

Donny: “Here”

Teacher: “Pound…Dick”

Class: laughter

This guy’s school life must have been sheer hell. Think of all the jokes. It boggles the mind. (Dick Pounder, Pound of Dick, etc.)

It’s probably a wonder to most of his high school that he didn’t throw himself in front of a runaway Zamboni or something.

Old Dick is a former Olympian who competed in the 100m freestyle. So that would make him a Wet Dick Pound.

Ahhhh…the poor bastard. Sure, he’s rich, successful, and moderately powerful, but he’s still a Dick Pound.