Art vs Porn

I was originally going to show you pictures of a really obscene snack food that I saw over the holiday weekend, but this afternoon my boss brought me something that I just had to share with the blog world.

Below is a letter my company received from a disgruntled mother who purchased an item from one of our clients. Obviously, she could only get our address and we’re just a distribution center…more on (moron?) that later.

(I’ve changed the names and places to protect the ignorant…and my job.)

December 29, 2005

TO: [Map Company]
C/O [Kyuball’s Company]
[1234 w. 1st street]
[Midwest, ST 00000]

FROM: [Ignorant Bitch]
P.O. Box [558]
[West Cost City, NorthWest State 00000]

RE: Children’s Map of the Solar System
Sold in [Club Store] late spring 2005

On the 26th of December, 2005, I returned this map to [Club Store] in [NorthWestern City and State]. I spoke with the Assistant Manager, [Wimpy Limp-dick], who can be reached at [555-555-5555].

This product came packaged with two (2) maps: One (1) of the solar system; One (1) of the world. I had given the world map away as a present. The solar system map went to my nine year old son.

Upon my son’s exploration of your “children’s map,” he found a naked woman beneath the satellite: Magellan (to the left of the sun). The image is very small, but clearly identifiable. What does this say to our children-that satellite dishes are watching naked women?

This is entirely inappropriate for a “children’s map.” [Club Store] refunded my money 9which I wasn’t asking for) and assured me they would no longer be carrying your products in the future.

[illegible signature]

CC: [Club Store in Purchased City]
CC: New York Newspaper, Consumer Affairs, New York City, NY
CC: ABC and NBC Television, Consumer Affairs, [nearby major city]
CC: [Home State] Attorney General, [City Capitol, Home State]

Ok. Before I get to the pictures, let me destroy…I mean, present a brief rebuttal on the text of the above letter:

“This product came packaged with two (2) maps: One (1) of the solar system; One (1) of the world.”
Why did she spell out the numbers AND place them in parentheses? She’s not a lawyer and this is not a contract…she should have also placed her son’s age in parentheses.

“I had given the world map away as a present.”
What a cheap ass bitch. Ok…she’s not fooling anyone. She bought this in the SPRING…even if it were “Late Spring” that’s May or June. So, she’s been sitting on this for nearly 6 months. Yeah, right. Her brat didn’t want the world map, he just wanted Buck Rodgers…which means one of her nephews got a world map stuffed in a paper bag.

“Upon my son’s exploration of your ‘children’s map,’...”
There’s an image.

“What does this say to our children-that satellite dishes are watching naked women?”
No, satellites beam pictures of naked women to our television sets so that daddy can crank one off because he can’t get it up for mommy’s flabby ass anymore.

“…refunded my money 9which…”
Not my typo, it was hers.

“CC: New York Newspaper, Consumer Affairs, New York City, NY”
Ok, I love that she copied this to all these organizations…but the Newspaper is the best. What newspaper exactly? From what I can find, there is no “New York Newspaper”. She named every other agency by it’s specific name…except the newspaper.

Before I go on to the pictures, I want to remind you of one bit of text: “…he found a naked woman beneath the satellite: Magellan…”

Magellan…hmm, where did the Magellan probe go?

Disclaimer: I took these with my phone's camera, so spare me the lecture on composition.

Here’s a picture of the map: (The red circle is where the obscene satellite is located)














The Map is 54” x 38”…that’s 4.5 feet long, and over 3 high. Not a small poster.

Here’s a picture of the Magellan Satellite above the planet VENUS.















Here’s another picture of the satellite, this time I used a magnifying glass to boost the picture of the naked woman.















Here’s a bigger picture of the woman.


So, the caricature of the Magellan satellite is taking pictures of a naked woman standing on a shell. Now, where have I seen that before?


Oh…right.

Dumb, ignorant, close-minded, twit.

After making fun of this letter for an hour to co-workers and friends, I actually started to get mad. Someone this stupid was really trying to start a nationwide issue over a picture smaller than Eisenhower’s head on a dime.

What did I do? I tried to find this woman. First stop, Google. Winner! She has a website. She’s a paid speaker and has been published. She’s got several degrees and certifications in a few areas.

Most importantly…she’s uglier than Pug with a hairlip.

I’d share her web site with you…however, I’m sure that more than a few of you would contact her and give her the “what for”…then my cover would be blown and I really don’t want to lose my job over someone like this.

Anyway, this is getting way too long for my normal postings and I’m sure I’ve lost a few of you already. I’ll leave you with this: Don’t rely on the world to educate and raise your children, do it yourself.