Polar Bears with Sunburn

Global warming? My fuzzy white ass. Indiana just got buried in snow on THE FIRST DAY OF SPRING! Don’t give me this bullshit that we’re causing our planet to overheat. Sure, we’re dumping a shitload of bad gas into the atmosphere…anyone who’s had the pleasure of eating a 10 sack of White Castle ™ Sliders knows that…but don’t burn SUV’s in protest because you think they’re causing the Inuit’s to hunt for jobs instead of Polar Bears.

Here’s a story I didn’t really read.

I read the headline and immediately came up with this rebuttal. Then I read the story. Still doesn’t change my mind…but, here’s more yammering…

If the climate changes so much that you have to change your lifestyle…then welcome to Evolution 101. Move or die…something many in those African nations where thousands to millions of people are STILL starving have yet to learn. It worked for those half-ape people that originally moved out of Africa all those years ago. They moved because they needed food, and they were tired of being eaten by Tigers. Sounds like motivation.

The planet is changing…is it our fault? Maybe, but driving with the AC off isn’t going to fix it. Think about this for a second: There are approximately *3,356,229,573.33916 cubic miles of air in the troposphere…that’s the air between 0 and 7 miles from the surface. 3.5 billion cubic miles worth of air that we assume we’re fucking up so bad that we’re melting the ice caps…and not idling my truck is going to fix that. Right. Next, I’ll sit down next to Lake Erie and clean out all of the toxins with my Brita…shouldn’t take too long.

You know what I love? When the eco-terrorists burn SUVs. Do you know how many toxins are released when you burn a car? Over half of it is made with plastic. Rubber tires? Yeah, that’s fucking great for the environment…good job! Wow…you really taught them a lesson.

I think it’s completely egotistical to believe we’re having any affect on global warming because we’re burning coal by the tons each hour so I can snap one off while watching reruns of the Golden Girls. The environmentalists need to take a different stand on this. Anyone can roll out an “expert” that will quote page after page of statistics that prove that howler monkeys are the real cause of global warming, but who's going to believe that. It might be true, but then some else will parade out more "experts" that will disprove the howler monkey theory and provide a new theory that points to a subsonic frequency emitted by Katie Curic that breaks down ear wax into a rare gas that turns regular oxygen molecules into ozone killing nanobots that resemble Jay Leno's head.

Here’s another story that makes no sense.

Ok…if I ever had a doubt that Broadway was being run by a bunch of sissy-boys, this story solidifies it.

If you get past the whole frivolous law-suit thing…and if you’ve got half-a-sack or an appreciation for a woman’s chest…you’ll see what I’m talking about. Big tits got this chick fired. Yeah…read the story. Unless this girl was playing the part of an 8-year old, then I can’t possibly see why you’d do this. It’s completely un-American. I know waify girls were in for a while there…and I’m not prejudice against small breasts…athletic bodies are AWESOME…but, she only went up one cup size. How much extra fabric is a D cup from a C?

Keep and eye on this one. If this story gets enough press, she’ll be posing for Playboy.

In a not so unrelated story…my wife’s cup size recently went up from a DD to a DDD. “Oh happy day…”

Sure, she’s got chronic back pain and the reason she knows she went up was because she BROKE an underwire…but, damn…those is some big big titties that I get to hold…and caress…and fondle…and hold…and…nevermind.

*If someone knows if these figures are accurate, please drop me a message. I had to take the surface area of the earth in square KM and convert it to square miles, then multiply it by 7 miles. Sounds reasonable to me…but, I wasn’t the brightest bulb in the pack in math and I’ve never tried to find the cubic volume of a portion of a sphere. Here at Cynical Meat Sack we pride ourselves on manipulating the figures to prove our point.