Double Secret Probation V.1

If you have ever seen the list for the colleges that throw the best parties, you would never find this college. In fact, I’m sure that if there is a list of the most repressed and restrictive, Liberty College in Virginia would rank in the top 5…and that would be including military academies and juvenile detention centers. (I was close, it’s actually ranked as the number 7 in the top ten conservative colleges in the United States.)

Their web site lists infractions against the school rules and the disciplinary actions associated with them. These are listed, I assume, in order of low to high in severity.

Most of these read like they’re straight out of Footloose:
- Attendance at a dance
- Music code violation

While others are vague and could be interpreted in many different ways:
- Improper social behavior
- Unauthorized room change
- Spending the night with a person of the opposite sex
(Sorry, Mom…I can’t visit, it’ll cost me $500.)
- Entering entryway of opposite sex on campus or allowing the same
(My personal favorite because this is definitely fornication…
go ahead, read it again, you’ll see.)

Here are some that are almost clinical in how they describe the infraction:
- Academic dishonesty
- Unauthorized borrowing (This is stealing, right?)
- Deception

With that in mind, it’s a wonder that this made the list, twice:
- Horseplay
- Malicious horseplay/behavior

Unless, of course, they’re referring specifically of random games of Polo or impromptu rodeos that are the scourge of college campuses everywhere.

Then there are the Christian rules:
- Abortion
- Failure of three Christian/Community Services without reconciliation
- Immorality
- Involvement with witchcraft, séances or other occultic activities

All four are grouped under the harshest penalties…they’re grouped with infractions like rape, assault, weapons possession.

Then there’s the pictures of what is “acceptable” and what is not. The girls, however, only get a description and a link to an article on modesty, written presumably by a student who realized it was “HER FAULT” that her “BROTHERS” fell to temptation (she calls it “stumbling”) because of what she wore.

(“Sorry, Chrissy, the Lord says it’s your fault that you were gang-raped by the Lacrosse Team. You shouldn’t have worn those tight jeans.”)

I can’t imagine any kid actually wanting to attend this college. Every one of these poor souls have parents who don’t want to see their kids on “Girls Gone Wild”…which I can understand…however, when do we turn over the responsibility for a teen’s actions TO the teen?

These rules apply to all students, so a 22 year old senior, someone legally old enough to drink in any bar, can’t. It’ll cost them $500 and 30 hours of community service…then they can still kick you out.

And he/she would get caught, especially if one of the other college zealots sees him/her. It’s in the school moto, “The Honor Code™”, to uphold the rules and report anyone seen committing an infraction…if you don’t and they find out that you knew about it, then you suffer the same consequences.

It’s a little collegiate police state. The Anti-Fun Gestapo is looking for a few good informants.

Oh…check out the Judicial Board. Made up of two students, and three faculty members…majority vote wins.

You don’t say…wonder who’ll win?

“Liberty College: where all your liberties are stripped.”

On a final note, I was going to provide a Kidney Stone update regarding Shatner's, but Sarah broke that one in the last post's comments. Still funny, though. And I still haven't given birth yet.