Cynical Meat Sack

New Car Smell, Old Car Exhaust.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Kiss my grass!

Fuck neighbors.

Fuck them with rusty fan blades.

Here’s why…

I’m out in the yard tonight, trimming the crotch-wood tree that my East-side neighbor refuses to cut out of her fence line and that blocks my view of the alley that the teens in my neighborhood think is a launching pad for drift racing. Along comes a cute female local police officer, walking between our houses towards me.

My first thought is: “Shit…what am I doing wrong.”

She proceeds to ask me which house is mine and I point to the one with the saplings in the gutters…not the one with the fence-line built in 1920 out of cast iron chainlink and wood.

Officer Hotpants tells me that she’s got an ordinance violation reported against East Neighbor and her fence.

No shit.

I go back to hacking at the bush, thinking about how big Officer Hotpants’ tits could be behind the Kevlar vest and if she likes to play “hide the nightstick”.

A few seconds later, she comes back…this time for me.

So…she gives me notice that my property is in violation of local ordinance 06.08.010 for “Unkept Property”. The complaint is for having “tall bushes and weeds in fencing around property and weeds in gutters surrounding residence.”

I freely admit that I’ve got saplings in my gutters. They need a good cleaning, but I haven’t done it because in the next week or so I’m having them replaced along with the roof. Apparently, this isn’t happening fast enough for the busy-bodies in my neighborhood…specifically the new “Block Captain.” Yeah…she’s a yard Nazi.

“Tall bushes and weeds” in my fencing…hmmm…news to me. I’ll take some pictures, maybe tomorrow, so you can tell me what the fuck is wrong with my fence.

Unfortunately, by the time I do that there will be a long strip of brown dead foliage. Shortly after Officer Hotpants and her Kelvar chest left, I took my gallon jug of AgentOrange and laid waste to my fence-line.

The one glimmer of warmth that I cherish and will snuggle up to tonight like the bosom of a large chested woman. I stealing wireless internet from the cunt that turned me in.

11 Comments:

At 1:54 AM, Blogger crallspace said...

Agent Orange? Why poison yourself and the Earth? Trim it like a man! That'll impress Office Hotpants... and me, of course. Seriously, consider something besides the chemical fix. Not good for the ground. Not good for you.


Glad to see you're back. I was wondering if you had died.

So, do you have to pay a fine? Post pics of the unkempt mess.

 
At 8:27 AM, Blogger Mathieu said...

Officer hotpants?
Seems like an old movie I once saw. LOL

Neighbors are the worse thing. I hate them. Unkept property. Really? I have a few things on my mind that *could* happen to someone actually sending the police to my place for that.

Don't mind me, I'm in a mood today.

 
At 9:29 AM, Blogger Ben, aka BadBen said...

In my town, we have the Yard Police, also. They actually measure the height of grass in yards. If the grass is over 7", you get a $100 fine. If you don't do anything about it in a week, they will mow it for you, and charge you another $150.

How do I know this? We went on vacation to Europe for 2-1/2 weeks back in 2000. The fucking bastard that was supposed to mow the yard just blew it off and went off on a bender. (He was a real asshole, and was dating my daughter at the time). He had the balls to ask for money for watching the house and mowing the lawn. I didn't know at the time that he hadn't mowed the lawn, so I gave him the money. (Later, I also found some of my nice vinyl albums missing, as well).

When the Yard Police came to give me my $250 fine/bill to me (and to check up on my yard) a week later, I was furious. My wife and daughter had to try to calm me down to:
A) Keep me from getting arrested.
B) Keep me from beating the living shit out of the kid.
C) Keep me from going over to the busy-body neighbor's house (who had turned me in).

It's all better now. I don't have any busy-body neighbors living in my area, anymore, and my daughter has a decent significant other, now.

If we have a busy-body "Mrs. Cravitz" type move into the neighborhood again, my current neighbors and I avow to get rid of her/him by all possible means.

 
At 9:54 PM, Blogger Becky said...

LMAO to the stealing of wireless internet from the yard nazi! That's fucking great!

I have a crazy fucking neighbor myself, literally she's really crazy. She said that my cat kept killing her squirrels! Her squirrels?! As in the fucking squirrels in her yard are her pets, What the hell?! This lady threatened to take my kitty's collar off and turn him into the local shelter! I've had this cat for 7 years and so help me if he comes up missing that crazy bitch is going down!

 
At 6:31 AM, Blogger Chickie said...

Could you AgentOrange East-neighbor's tree? And maybe do patches of the yard Nazi's grass for fun?

 
At 3:53 PM, Blogger Sarah Letnes said...

Maybe you could plant a Hitler Memorial on her front lawn and then turn her in.

 
At 11:10 PM, Blogger The Phosgene Kid said...

Forget the crack house down the block you are a weedy fence felon!! How many years you get for that? How many for beating the pulp out of the new Block Feuhrer?

Your cops must have a lot of time on their hands - you should have tried to bribe her with a doughnut, works everytime.

 
At 12:55 PM, Blogger The Phosgene Kid said...

You inspired me, I trotted out the chems and did the scorched earth thing in my front yard. I use the stuff that ensures nothig will ever grow there again - I am fixing to feed some to my neighbor's vine-weed.

I am down with all the mother-earth stuff, but some situations (like HOAs) force you to go ugly early and skip all the BS

 
At 7:35 PM, Blogger Madeye said...

Yo Kyuball, I'm back and so is my blog. Anyway, I get ya. We have a bastard of a community nazi council here. I've cheated them many a time. You have to get a full authorization for any home or property improvement. Fence, new window, pool, pond, anything. Ponds can only be two feet deep. Mine is 2.5 ft deep. Screw the home bureaucracy. If i want my stuff to look a certain way, its going to look that way. I've been here longer than most people on that council, so they can go sit on a spiked dildo.

 
At 7:55 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Block Captain?? Where do you live, Stalag 13.....free wireless, nothing like justice.

 
At 1:10 AM, Blogger Sugarfoot said...

nothing beats free wireless. I only hope that the connection i've enjoyed for so long belongs to my asshole neighbor too.

 

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