You don’t have to have blond hair to be Blond

As promised, here’s one of the many stories of women I’ve dated in the past that may have been a bit, less than normal.

Once upon a time…

I used to live in Hawaii.

Before you start to shower me with pity for my hard-knock life, let me continue.

I moved to Hawaii straight out of High School. Young, dumb, and full of…er…ideas. A few months after I arrive, my brother, God rest his soul…even though he’s not dead yet…introduced me to a classmate of his. We’ll call her Pie. No, that’s not Hawaiian for “Tastes like Dessert”, it’s just pie.

Pie was a beautiful young Asian girl of 17. An honor roll student with aspirations of attending Harvard. What the hell she saw in me, I don’t know…chics dig older guys, I guess.

So, anyway, she and I had been dating for a couple of weeks. One weekend…our last as a couple…we go out with some friends to Waimea Bay at night. Waimea is on the North Shore and is an extremely romantic place to share spit with the partner of your choice.

We arrive and promptly split up into our various, “couplets.” Pie and I head down beach, for what I had hoped was going to be a GREAT night. Remember…I was 18, guns a’blazin so to speak. Pie was a bit shy and not so outgoing, so up to that point, we’d done little except light kisses. Cute, but not what I’d call passionate. There was quite a bit of lead up talk to that weekend that suggested we were going to reach a new level…right here, on this beach.

We find a nice spot to lay out the blanket and hold each other as we looked at the stars. It was a perfect night, cool breeze coming in off the glassy water, not too humid and no bugs. (Waimea is only a surf haven once a year, the other half of the year it’s flat.)

I start to act like I know shit about constellations…

Me: “There’s Orion’s Belt.” (If it weren’t for Orion Pictures, I wouldn’t know what the hell Orion’s Belt looked like.)

Me: “Oh. The Big Dipper.”

This continued for a few minutes, while Pie oh’d and awed.

Finally, she looked up into my eyes and said,

Pie: “Can I ask you something?”

Here it comes…what I thought would be the lead in to at least 5 or 10 minutes of booty rocking beach love.

The next thing out of her mouth still haunts me to this day.

Pie: eyes fluttering “Do stars really have five points?”

-pause- Take that in for a second. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Me: “What?”

Pie: “Do stars really have five points? I mean, they always show them with five points. Do you they, like, really have five, cause it looks like they have more.”

Me: giggle…then serious. “You’re kidding, right?”

Pie: “Well…no.”

Me: “You realize that they’re like our sun…right?”

Pie: backpeddling quickly “Well, uh, yeah…I mean from an art type of…”

But that was it, I laughed so friggin hard. I couldn’t stop. I had to get up and find each of the couples we came with to tell them what she said. Anyone that stupid needed to be ridiculed on the spot. Hell, I knew I wasn’t going to get laid…even if she still wanted to, I don’t think mini-me would have been up to the challenge. How could I? I’m dating an honors student who’s probably going to Harvard and she’s dumber than sack of wet mice. There’s no chance of me respecting her after that.

As you can imagine, the relationship didn’t last much longer. Two days to be exact.

Now…in hind sight…I probably could have handled the situation a bit more gently.

I could’ve said, “Hell yes they do...and they look better with your top off.”