A night at the movies

The wife and I caught a sneak preview of Into the Blue tonight, and before you immediately click the “next blog” button, I’m not going to subject you to some asinine review of the movie. That ain’t what this blog’s about.

I will say, that if you’ve seen any of the commercials or trailers for this flick, you’ll think that this is a Jessica Alba swimsuit and sharks movie. Half right, there is sharks, but they’re not the story. It’s not half bad…that’s my review.

I made a lot of observations during this excursion that I’d like to share with you:

This preview was put on by a local “Lite-Rock” radio station. The Wife won the passes, she actually got four, but we couldn’t find anyone else to go with us…not a good sign.

Have you ever been to any kind of event where everyone you see is completely average or below? Every person there was Joe and Jane Average, including the people who worked at the theater. I’ve been to extreme geek conventions and even there I’ve been able to spot the beautiful people. Not this time. The only beautiful person in the joint was my wife…and I love saying that…I’ll score for that comment, but it’s true. It was like we were surrounded by the Dungeons and Dragons Club.

I’ve got nothing against geeks. That would be E: drive calling the C: drive “Formatted”. But that was just weird. Next subject…

Nowadays, people really froth at the mouth to bitch about the commercials we have to sit through before a movie. The big gripe is: “I paid to see a movie, not commercials.” Whine-whine-whine. Except, most movies are filled with product placement. Oh, they don’t bitch about the subliminal stuff. Drink Pepsi. They’ll sit there and piss and moan. Eat at McDonald’s. Yet not pick up on the shit that’s on the screen. Buy Sony.

However, it’s really odd that when you pay $10 for a movie, you get the commercials. When you watch a sneak-peak, you get one trailer (maybe) and the movie. You’d think that the theater would make you sit through and hour of marketing to make up for the lost revenue and they've got a captive audience. Next subject…

My wife…who I love beyond measure and is one of the smartest people I know…asked a truly dumb question during this movie.

We’ve established that it was a Jessica Alba swimsuit movie. Ms. Alba spends at least 70% of this movie underwater and in a bikini. There is one sequence that she’s underwater in a wet suit, but there’s exactly 30 seconds worth of film with her IN the wet suit. The camera angles in this movie were shot by a guy who, what I would guess, is a close friend of Ms. Alba…or her OBGYN. You see Jessica’s butt in most underwater scenes. It’s also painfully obvious that it was cold in the sea during the shoot.

Anyway, half-way through the flick, my beautiful/smart wife leaned over and whispered in my ear:

“How many scenes need ass in this picture?”

I gave no outward reply. I’ve been married for 8 years. Guys, you do NOT reply to that question. However…my inner monologue replied:

“Every damned one of them!”

American cinema is built on Ass.

If you want brainy comedies, you go to England. If you want cartoons, you go to Japan. If you want action, you go to Hong Kong. If you want movies that look like they were shot in the 80’s, you go to Australia. If you want movies that make absolutely no fucking sense at all, you go to France or India.

But, if you want Ass…you look no further than America, baby! Every movie made in America has got ass. Why? Because the best ass comes from America. No other nation can boast about their ass. Other countries fear our ass.

Why did all the women in Afghanistan had to wear those durka’s. Not because of some ultra-suppressive religious state. Nope. It was because their men wanted to hide their women’s scrawny asses.

One more thing, then I’m done…

Have you noticed the trend in Hollywood today where most of the women look like transvestites from the planet Vulcan? Ladies, the penciled eyebrow thing is SO done. It’s just not natural to have eyebrows that are a full four inches from your eyeball. This constant look of surprise only worked for Bozo. Find something new to fuck with at the salon…please. I would rather see women stop shaving their underarms or grow a brillo pad down under than see this fad continue.