Motorola and T-Mobile can suck sack.

I hate my phone. Yeah, I know…people bitch about their phone all the time, but I really hate my phone. It’s a Motorola with T-Mobile as the service provider. It sucks.

“Some people don’t even have phones, Kyu.”

Then they are the lucky ones, because this is a hunk of shit.

Top Ten Reasons why my phone sucks:

10. It’s a flip phone. I’ve lost more calls because I can’t answer this damn thing with one hand. I have to flip it open to answer. If I grab it the wrong way, it answers and hangs up at the same time. Sorry Mom.

9. The ringer on the loudest setting sounds like two mice fingering each other. I work in an industrial setting. I need a phone that rings like air-raid klaxon.

8. The screen rests on your face and becomes dirtier than a peep-show window. Maybe I need to use Stridex ® more often, but I can’t talk on the phone without splooging my screen with face oil.

7. It has a flashing yellow light when it has a signal and a flashing red light when it doesn’t. What deaf industrial engineer came up with this bright idea? Let’s put a fucking ridiculously annoying flashing light on our phone that’s on all the time. (The only thing good about this feature is that anyone else that has this phone must turn the damn thing off in a theater or they’ll look like they're a strobe beacon for a light aircraft field.

6. Every time I “miss” a call, I get three text messages: A) the announcement that I missed a call. (thanks.) B) the announcement that the phone call I missed is not an unknown number. C)the phone number I missed. What a clutter of shit. I have to hit 6 buttons before I can clear one missed call from my phone.

5. T-Mobile…get more. Get more what exactly? I leave a major interstate and I get no signal. I can’t get to download most of the content from the T-Mobile web site T-Zones ™ because my phone is just this side of obsolete. I can’t get why this phone was even allowed into the market place.

4. The camera that comes with this phone is not built in, it’s an attachment. You insert this camera into the bottom of the phone similarly to how you insert the charger. The charger has a little male end that slips into the bottom of the phone and has a catch-release button to remove from the phone. The camera does not have this button and must be torn violently from the phone, causing obvious damage after each use. The camera attachment is about ¼ the size of the phone and seems to be created to be permanently attached…but, then how would someone charge the phone? Morons.

3. Dropped calls. This phone drops a call faster than Keyshawn Johnson (circa 2001). I live in a major metropolitan city and I drop calls in my kitchen. I can walk from one end of the warehouse that I work in to the other and drop service three times. I can stand in one place and drop a call.

2. This one almost made number one. The voicemail system. Ok, this phone has a message feature with several different selections. You can, supposedly send text messages, receive pages, and receive voicemail. Under the “messages” menu, there is a listing next to each feature for the number of messages yet to read and those that have been read…which looks like this:
Message inbox: 1 / 8.
This would mean I have one message to read and 8 that I’ve read. The voicemail has read:
“Voicemail 0” for the last two years.
Why? Because this phone doesn’t use the Voicemail line to let me know I have voicemail…Nope…this service sends me a text message to notify me that I have a voicemail. Every time. Just like the “missed call” feature, I’ve got to go through 6 keystrokes on a PHONE, to clear a TEXT message that tells me I have a VOICEmail. I spend more time punching buttons on this device each day than I have writing this article.

1. I can’t get a new phone or service. My company pays for this piece of shit. I’ve begged, I’ve pleaded, I’ve threatened to run this over with a forklift and chuck it into the retention pond 40 yards from our building and they still won’t get a new service. I’m stuck with this device like luggage and herpes.

As a side note, because of my plight I feel no remorse what so ever in running up the minutes talking to friends across the country and installing inappropriate ring-tones. (Ice, Ice Baby; Theme from the Austin Powers movies; Don’t Worry-Be Happy; Pirates Life for Me from the Pirates of the Caribbean Ride at Disney.)