Whitey McBurger

Today I had a lesson in racism.

Lesson may be the wrong word...display is probably better. Let me explain.

I just recently moved from one office to another within our facility. Now, I'm sitting in a cube next to a guy I've know for a couple years. He's a mid-twenty something, goofy white guy. Goofy in the sense that his flavor of humor is more shock than funny.

Anyway, we ended up going to lunch today with another guy. There is a burger joint called Culvers nearby, they have really great hamburgers cooked in butter. Oh, the sweet heart clogging flavor!

As soon as we walk in, this friend says in a normal speaking voice:

"Sure is dark in here. Didn't expect that."

The first thing I do is look up at the lights. Then I get it. At first, I can't believe that this dumbass just announced to a restaurant full of black people that he's a racist dickhead. So, what do I do? I try to salvage the coversation and steer it back from the brink of the Nazi party.

I say: "They need to check the lights."

Lame...dear God that was lame.

So that's how the rest of the lunch went as well. He'd sit there and make racial slurs while I tried to find a way to melt into the vinyl seat.

I don't think I'll be going to lunch with Johnny Whitehood again.

In a completely unrelated topic:

Why did they make another Basic Instinct movie? This sequel is about 12 years too late. This plays right into my theory that Hollywood has run out of ideas.

Wireless Networks, The New Cable TV

IT tip of the Week: Encrypt your wireless network.

Last year, my employers gave me a laptop with internal wireless. The idea is that I needed to have a unit that could be used remotely within our facility and from home. Up until last week, I’d been using it primarily as an ITunes Jukebox.

When I first brought it home I turned on the Wi-Fi just to see if I’d pick up a signal. Nothing. I tried it again two weeks ago…bingo! One of my neighbors has set up a wireless network. And just like Tara Reid’s legs at a Frat Party, they’ve left themselves wide open. I can come and go as I please and I’m fairly certain that they haven’t a friggin clue.

Question: Is it wrong that I’m using my neighbor’s wireless network to access the internet? I am at odds with myself, here. I don’t know which of my neighbors it is that I’m piggy-backing on, but I do feel a slight ting of guilt. Slight, because I’m not doing anything illicit and I’m not running out to set up an Xbox Live account. Ok…by “not doing anything illicit” I’m not referring to looking at naked pictures of Willow from Buffy the vampire slayer…I’m talking about hacking into my neighbor’s computer and other assorted bad things that I probably could do, but don’t really know how.

As a side note: Google Images is a great way to harvest free porn. Go there, type in your fetish, and BAM...here's a group of 30 thumbnails to store in the spank-bank. Just be careful though...you gotta take the good with the bad...and there are some shocking images out there. Just remember the keyword: FREE. You get what you pay for.

Back to my problem. Am I stealing? My neighbor is essentially broadcasting access to his DSL connection in a 50 foot radius. How can it be called stealing if they’re sending the data to me? Alright, so it’s a two way stream and I’m sure that argument wouldn’t hold up in court. But, really, am I being bad? (Besides my grammar, I mean.)

Polar Bears with Sunburn

Global warming? My fuzzy white ass. Indiana just got buried in snow on THE FIRST DAY OF SPRING! Don’t give me this bullshit that we’re causing our planet to overheat. Sure, we’re dumping a shitload of bad gas into the atmosphere…anyone who’s had the pleasure of eating a 10 sack of White Castle ™ Sliders knows that…but don’t burn SUV’s in protest because you think they’re causing the Inuit’s to hunt for jobs instead of Polar Bears.

Here’s a story I didn’t really read.

I read the headline and immediately came up with this rebuttal. Then I read the story. Still doesn’t change my mind…but, here’s more yammering…

If the climate changes so much that you have to change your lifestyle…then welcome to Evolution 101. Move or die…something many in those African nations where thousands to millions of people are STILL starving have yet to learn. It worked for those half-ape people that originally moved out of Africa all those years ago. They moved because they needed food, and they were tired of being eaten by Tigers. Sounds like motivation.

The planet is changing…is it our fault? Maybe, but driving with the AC off isn’t going to fix it. Think about this for a second: There are approximately *3,356,229,573.33916 cubic miles of air in the troposphere…that’s the air between 0 and 7 miles from the surface. 3.5 billion cubic miles worth of air that we assume we’re fucking up so bad that we’re melting the ice caps…and not idling my truck is going to fix that. Right. Next, I’ll sit down next to Lake Erie and clean out all of the toxins with my Brita…shouldn’t take too long.

You know what I love? When the eco-terrorists burn SUVs. Do you know how many toxins are released when you burn a car? Over half of it is made with plastic. Rubber tires? Yeah, that’s fucking great for the environment…good job! Wow…you really taught them a lesson.

I think it’s completely egotistical to believe we’re having any affect on global warming because we’re burning coal by the tons each hour so I can snap one off while watching reruns of the Golden Girls. The environmentalists need to take a different stand on this. Anyone can roll out an “expert” that will quote page after page of statistics that prove that howler monkeys are the real cause of global warming, but who's going to believe that. It might be true, but then some else will parade out more "experts" that will disprove the howler monkey theory and provide a new theory that points to a subsonic frequency emitted by Katie Curic that breaks down ear wax into a rare gas that turns regular oxygen molecules into ozone killing nanobots that resemble Jay Leno's head.

Here’s another story that makes no sense.

Ok…if I ever had a doubt that Broadway was being run by a bunch of sissy-boys, this story solidifies it.

If you get past the whole frivolous law-suit thing…and if you’ve got half-a-sack or an appreciation for a woman’s chest…you’ll see what I’m talking about. Big tits got this chick fired. Yeah…read the story. Unless this girl was playing the part of an 8-year old, then I can’t possibly see why you’d do this. It’s completely un-American. I know waify girls were in for a while there…and I’m not prejudice against small breasts…athletic bodies are AWESOME…but, she only went up one cup size. How much extra fabric is a D cup from a C?

Keep and eye on this one. If this story gets enough press, she’ll be posing for Playboy.

In a not so unrelated story…my wife’s cup size recently went up from a DD to a DDD. “Oh happy day…”

Sure, she’s got chronic back pain and the reason she knows she went up was because she BROKE an underwire…but, damn…those is some big big titties that I get to hold…and caress…and fondle…and hold…and…nevermind.

*If someone knows if these figures are accurate, please drop me a message. I had to take the surface area of the earth in square KM and convert it to square miles, then multiply it by 7 miles. Sounds reasonable to me…but, I wasn’t the brightest bulb in the pack in math and I’ve never tried to find the cubic volume of a portion of a sphere. Here at Cynical Meat Sack we pride ourselves on manipulating the figures to prove our point.

Jungle Fever

“There I was, in the Congo.”

Sorry folks, as I’ve mentioned, I’ve been stupid busy at work. I’m transitioning from my current position of “one guy doing three jobs” down to a one job guy and it’s becoming painfully obvious that I’m the only bastard that wants that to happen.

Seriously, I’m so bogged down with other crap that the owners of my company are saying, “Kyu…dude, we need to get you some help.” I appreciate that, but everyone else around me has lost their damn minds. It’s like they all suddenly realized that they weren’t going to have me around anymore so they’ve all upped the dosage of “Quick Questions”.

Little background:

I’m a quasi IT guy. I run our warehouse management system, but I come from the operations side of the fence. Which means I can program it so it works in the real world. Mostly, I’m stuck in the office all day, answering emails, monitoring file transfers, and writing endless reports. (Yeah, TPS reports in triplicate.)

The problem is that I work in an office full of people who know just enough about Windows™ to be dangerously inept.

I swear to the God of Cast Iron Piping that if I hear a phrase that starts with: “Quick question…” again, someone will have their spleen removed with a pickle plucker.

Example A –
Inept Coworker: “Quick question…how do I save a document?”
Me: “Uh…select file and save.”
IC: “Where does it go?”
Me: “Where did you put it? Stick it in your ‘My Documents’, off your desktop.”
IC: (blink-blink) “But, how do I attach it to an email?”
Me: (sigh) “Use a stamp.”

Example B –
Inept Coworker: “Quick Question…My system is locked up.”
Me: “Call IT.”
IC: “Are you locked?”
Me: “No.”
IC: “Can you get your inner-net to work?”
Me: (Sigh…check IE) “Yeah.”
IC: “This stupid system. I can’t get anything done.”
Me: “I know the feeling.”

Some of the other inane things that I got stuck with:

Tours. I give tours of the warehouse. Part of our “business development” process to have our prospective clients come through our facility and meet our SME’s (Subject Matter Experts). I’m the SME for the warehouse. However, not one of the other 12 to 15 SME’s has to give talk for 20 minutes as they walk through a 300,000 sq ft building. Nope, that’s me…was me.

Rate Quotes. I’d give quotes on new warehouse business. How I got this one, I’m not sure. I’m pretty sure it started when I had to figure out how to pull invoices out of the system and I saw how much we WEREN’T making on accounts…then freaked out about it to the owners. Dumb…first rule is to not show that you care about your job.

Newsletter. Oh, this was the best. I wrote an internal newsletter for the company. It’s amazing how impressed people can be if they’ve never used MS Publisher™. “You made this? Nice work, I like the design.” (Bubble Newsletter Design…works every time.) As you can tell, I like to write, but it got to be hard to etch out an hour of time to write some drivel about cooperation, communication, teamwork, or something else business related. “We want to see something more about the Strategic Plan…but, in language the guys in the warehouse will understand.” (Do this shit and you won’t get fired…don’t do it and you’re fired.)

Well…you get the idea. Now I’m moving into strictly the IT side of world so I can concentrate on upgrading and maximizing our system’s functionality. Basically, cruise the internet all day and download porn…occasionally tell Sales “NO” and ask people to submit support requests each time they have a question. Nice, huh.

Before I can start living the good life, however, I have to shift my work load to someone else…three to four other people, actually. I hope to be able to get back into my normal pissing and moaning about bad drivers, muslim zealots, people who say “IDEAL” when they mean “IDEA”, and the world in general soon.

Wow…that really sounds like I’m taking off for a few weeks or quitting blogging. Nope, you’ll probably get an update sooner than that.

Waldo?

Yeah, I've been out of it for awhile...lurking amongst the many blogs that I read...commenting here and there. I've been really busy with different things and haven't been able to dedicate some time to my little bitch blog.

I wish that I was a bit better at announcing my down periods, like Timmy. Unfortunately, I'm just not sure when it's going to happen.

However, I do have a treat for you. Something to tide you over until I return...which should be in a couple more days.

http://www.shockabsorber.co.uk/uk/

Let the page load and click on Bounce-ometer.

Truthfully...that site is why I haven't posted anything in a week or so.

Enjoy!