America, Home of the FREE

This is the greatest country on Earth.

The more I look around at the stories coming from different areas of the world, the more it solidifies this point of view for me. Sure, we’ve got corrupt politicians, drug gangs, child predators, and Katie Curic.

But when was the last time Pepsi declared a Jihad on Coke for one of those snappy commercials that denounced the “Pepsi Generation”? You don’t see too many Kellogg’s delivery trucks full of C4 crashing into the Post Cereals’ headquarters. I don’t think I’ve read one story of a Viking’s fan strapping pipe bombs to his shorts and diving into a crowd of Cheese Heads. The Pope didn’t issue a religious decree calling for the death of Kevin Smith for his Buddy Christ statue in the movie Dogma?

I can tell this joke:

“Why do all the trees in Indiana lean toward the South?”

“Because Kentucky sucks.”

And I don’t have to worry about a Wildcats alumni kidnapping a Hoosier and cutting off his head.

I caught this story out of Denmark. Apparently, some cartoonists drew a few caricatures of the “Prophet” Mohamed that offended a few people, as in entire Islamic nations.

Now, I’m not sure - I could be wrong, but I don’t think everyone in Denmark and the surrounding countries had a hand in creating these images. However, as we’ve seen with these crazy sand-monkeys, they group all the Vikings into one nice neat package of Norse targets and issue several statements that no one from that area will be safe in the Middle East.

--Side note: Does anyone who looks Danish feel safe traveling in the Middle East? Seriously. 6’ 4” tall, pale white, blond haired men and women walking around Saudi Arabia in wooden shoes…you can’t paint a bigger target than that. Well, maybe if they were wearing Mickey Ears.

I think it’ll come as no surprise that Gaza gunmen claimed that they would attack any Norwegians in the area. Gaza, the peaceful strip of land that it is? Violence there? Say it ain’t so!

Peace in the Middle East is a pipe(bomb) dream. These people have absolutely no concept of what freedom is and they don’t truly want it. They fear it worse than soap and carb free diets. Those that really DO want freedom, move here…then talk shit about the country and burn our flag. Why? Because they can and no one will cut their clits off.

Before I get the hate comments on me for lumping all the followers of Islam into one big Happy Meal™ of targets…it’s my blog, Fuck Off! But, I’ll clarify…when I say THEY…I mean all the zealots who refuse to have a mind of their own and BLINDLY follow a religion and RELIGIOUS LEADERS that promote hate and violence against people who don’t follow their ideals. If you want to write a rebuttal on our nation’s history of doing the same thing – see Native Americans, slavery, Hawaii, and Canadian Football…feel free. But while you’re writing your nice essay on how bad this Country sucks, just remember that in some countries you’d have your hands cut-off and your mouth sewn shut for speaking out against your “leaders”.

For all it's faults, this country still is the greatest this world has ever seen.

Birth-iversary

Today I celebrate my 34th birthday.

And my eight year Anniversary.

Guys...don't do this. I completely suck when it comes to remembering dates. I thought I'd be slick and get married on my birthday so that I'd never forget the day. Stupid.

Do you know why? Because it's not my day anymore. Sure, that's completely selfish...but, hey that's what a Birthday is about. The wifey has been really good about making sure that I get more "attention"...more so this year than in the past. Still, I miss it just being about me.

In hindsight, I would've been screwed anyway: My son's birthday is tomorrow.

That's it...I'm spent. I was going to go on for a few more pages on this, but I'm done like a dinner. One of the presents I got for my birth-iversary this year was a cold and it's whoopin my ass somethin' fierce. I'll try to update this sorry assed blog in the next couple of days.

Check out some of the more interesting bloggers linked on the right, but use some anti-bacterial lotion before you leave.

Double Secret Probation V.1

If you have ever seen the list for the colleges that throw the best parties, you would never find this college. In fact, I’m sure that if there is a list of the most repressed and restrictive, Liberty College in Virginia would rank in the top 5…and that would be including military academies and juvenile detention centers. (I was close, it’s actually ranked as the number 7 in the top ten conservative colleges in the United States.)

Their web site lists infractions against the school rules and the disciplinary actions associated with them. These are listed, I assume, in order of low to high in severity.

Most of these read like they’re straight out of Footloose:
- Attendance at a dance
- Music code violation

While others are vague and could be interpreted in many different ways:
- Improper social behavior
- Unauthorized room change
- Spending the night with a person of the opposite sex
(Sorry, Mom…I can’t visit, it’ll cost me $500.)
- Entering entryway of opposite sex on campus or allowing the same
(My personal favorite because this is definitely fornication…
go ahead, read it again, you’ll see.)

Here are some that are almost clinical in how they describe the infraction:
- Academic dishonesty
- Unauthorized borrowing (This is stealing, right?)
- Deception

With that in mind, it’s a wonder that this made the list, twice:
- Horseplay
- Malicious horseplay/behavior

Unless, of course, they’re referring specifically of random games of Polo or impromptu rodeos that are the scourge of college campuses everywhere.

Then there are the Christian rules:
- Abortion
- Failure of three Christian/Community Services without reconciliation
- Immorality
- Involvement with witchcraft, séances or other occultic activities

All four are grouped under the harshest penalties…they’re grouped with infractions like rape, assault, weapons possession.

Then there’s the pictures of what is “acceptable” and what is not. The girls, however, only get a description and a link to an article on modesty, written presumably by a student who realized it was “HER FAULT” that her “BROTHERS” fell to temptation (she calls it “stumbling”) because of what she wore.

(“Sorry, Chrissy, the Lord says it’s your fault that you were gang-raped by the Lacrosse Team. You shouldn’t have worn those tight jeans.”)

I can’t imagine any kid actually wanting to attend this college. Every one of these poor souls have parents who don’t want to see their kids on “Girls Gone Wild”…which I can understand…however, when do we turn over the responsibility for a teen’s actions TO the teen?

These rules apply to all students, so a 22 year old senior, someone legally old enough to drink in any bar, can’t. It’ll cost them $500 and 30 hours of community service…then they can still kick you out.

And he/she would get caught, especially if one of the other college zealots sees him/her. It’s in the school moto, “The Honor Code™”, to uphold the rules and report anyone seen committing an infraction…if you don’t and they find out that you knew about it, then you suffer the same consequences.

It’s a little collegiate police state. The Anti-Fun Gestapo is looking for a few good informants.

Oh…check out the Judicial Board. Made up of two students, and three faculty members…majority vote wins.

You don’t say…wonder who’ll win?

“Liberty College: where all your liberties are stripped.”

On a final note, I was going to provide a Kidney Stone update regarding Shatner's, but Sarah broke that one in the last post's comments. Still funny, though. And I still haven't given birth yet.

My Weekend

Nephrolithiasis. Sounds like a former Roman emperor, right?

Nope. This is one of the clinical terms for having kidney stones.

Back in 2002, I passed one of these little bastards in the ER. The ER? Well, yeah, you see…for those that have never had one…this is a really painful process. You’re “passing” a rock from your kidney to your bladder and then you “pass” it from your bladder to whatever you use to catch piss to prevent it from landing on your floor.

I have to take a pause here to point out that “pass” is such a light term to use for this process. The pain involved ranks above “pass”. It’s more like a forcible ejection. The stone is like a belligerent drunk getting kicked out of a club…only he doesn’t want to leave. So, he scrapes and claws at everything he can on his way out.

For me, the most painful leg of the stone’s journey is from the kidney to the bladder. Mostly it feels like a muscle spasm. Sometimes, more like a knifing.

This weekend I’ve been enjoying the latter stages of forcible ejection. Kidney to bladder wasn’t too bad this time, I woke up thinking that I had slept wrong. An hour later, I got that funny feeling like I had a small blockage…yeah, that feels like sitting on your sack, guys. That’s when I knew I’d be having another stone soon.

Something that isn’t taught in public schools about kidney stones…once you have one…you’ll have more. You’re a lifer. So, once the first stone drops, the quarry is open for business.

There are plenty of things that you can do to prevent them. Cranberry juice is a fan favorite. I like mine with a little Grey Goose…but, that messes with my acid reflux. So, mostly I stick with drinking about half a gallon of water a day. This works, for the most part. I haven’t had a stone in almost a year.

Here’s what the last one looked like:















I passed this little jewel at work. It actually came out in TWO parts. The other chunk is lost for ever. I was standing there peeing and praying to the Almighty that I'd finally pass the geoad that I'd been carrying around on hold for 5 days. And then it happened. Actually moving the stone through the urinary tract doesn't register until those final few inches, then...well, I'm not sure how to describe it exactly...except like your dick is vomiting...minus the dry heaves, burning throat, and abdominal cramping. Graphic, I know, but there really isn't anything in my frame of reference that I can use that's similar. Anyway, so my cock shoots out the first bit of shale that shakes me so bad that my aim goes high and I literally bounce it off the rim and it lands on the floor. His brother came out with much less aggravation and a small splash. I let him go, but the other one got washed off and shown around the office.

That’s right, I keep them. Gross you say? Why shouldn’t I keep them? Anything I worked that hard to produce ain’t getting flushed down the shitter. Besides, the wife has always wanted a rock garden, this way will save me the trip to Lowes.

In conclusion…as I sit here and patiently await the birth of yet another present from the seven dwarves working the mine in my kidney, I ask you for a moment of silence for my Colts who couldn’t turn it around today and got beaten by the Steelers. Flashbacks of ’95 still haunt our fair city.

Art vs. Porn...UPDATE

To continue the saga of the pornographic Children’s Map, I recently received an email from the US Distributor. In it there contained an email from the Manager of the company in Italy that created the map.

Below is the email with my commentary inserted:

-----Original Message-----
From: XXXXXXMaps Info [mailto:info@XXXXXXXmaps.t-com.hr]
Sent: Tuesday, January 10, 2006 9:40 AM
To: somedude@somemaps.com
Cc: someotherdude@usdistributor.com
Subject: Customer Complaint -explanation

Dear [Dude],
with the reference to the email you sent us yesterday and it refers to the complaint from one of the customers, it is important to point out several important issues.
--This is probably the most polite way that I’ve ever seen someone write “Stupid American, let me explain why the world hates your country…”--

For the start we must say that we are very surprised by the reaction from your market.
--He’s not surprised at all, he wrote this letter 9 months ago and has had it shelved waiting for the first complaint.--

The disputable element that the customer says it is inappropriate for a"children's map", presents the satellite Magellan that is mapping of the surface of Venus by radar technology and it entered the orbit of Venus on 10-08-1990.
--I love the amount of detail that he felt he needed to add. I’m disappointed, however, that he did not mention that Megellan was launched by the US...and created mostly in Denver.--

We have decided to present this satellite by using the famous paint of Botticelly that shows The Birth of Venus and this famous artwork hangs in the Uffizi gallery in Florence.
--His typos, not mine.--

This is not a photo of a naked woman, but a famous artwork painted by famous Sandro Botticelli. This is a world known painting and it is always presented in this way, so we have not done anything wrong here by presenting it in this way and by educating children.
--Here’s where I’m going to have to argue with him. You see, Botticelli’s painting depicts Venus as a red haired woman, standing inside a large seashell. Her right arm is covering both her breasts and her left arm and hair is covering her “nether” regions. The caricature on the map depicts a blond woman, kneeling on what could be a shell, but looks more like a pool floaty. Both her arms are spread out as if she’s doing the “Y” in the YMCA dance. In my opinion, if this is supposed to be Botticelli’s Venus, then it would be called “Venus Gone Wild”. Granted, her entire form on the map is smaller than the size of a pencil eraser…but still, he’s stretching it just a bit when he says that it's "always presented this way." Maybe by Monty Python...I could see that.--

We must say that we are also stunned by the reaction of the person from[Club Store] and we are wondering if this person has taken a look at the map and has checked what does it present!?
--Ok…obviously they don’t have club stores in Italy. He’s lucky that the store manager even knows what a map is.--

It is not a problem for us to remove this element, however, we will not do it because we think it is not appropriate, but in order to meet the expectations and to correct it if you think it is wrong.
--I wouldn’t correct it, either. However, I know that they made several other changes on other maps for the American market…such as the US Map, Martin Luther King Jr was depicted on an earlier version with lips bigger than his hands…he looked like Elmer Fudd after his gun exploded in his face. The PC crowd would have "exploded" all over that one. Then there was the Calvary riding towards the cowering Indians. So, their maps have been thoroughly PC’d to pieces.--

In any case, if this will be the reason for [Club Store] to terminate our cooperation, we must point out that we are having a huge damage here andnot just us, but you and [Club Store] as well, because we have had a verysuccessful cooperation and this element is nothing else, but an educational element that pupils learn about in the schools.
--I highly doubt that a store manager has the pull to declare that “the entire chain will no longer carry these maps.” Again, the manager was telling the crazy lady what she wanted to hear so she’d get out of his store faster.

Quick Story: When I was an Assistant Manager at a Toy Store, I had a child running around the store once…well, no that happened every single day…but on this particular day, this boy tripped over a pile of action figures that he had made while running through the store. When he fell, he bumped his head on the corner of a shelf.

His mother came up to me and said:
“My son just fell.”

Me: [Trying to be jovial and big brother-ish to the boy] “Ohhh, hey you’ll be ok, rub it out big guy.”

Mother: [Not impressed] “He hit his head on this shelf. Do you see how this corner sticks out?”

Me: “Hmmm. Yeah, that sticks out a bit.”

Mother: “You need to fix that. You shouldn’t have sharp objects like that where kids can hurt themselves.”

Me: [Starting to warm up for the fight.] “Wow. You’re right.” [I take my pen out of my pocket and throw it into the back room.] “Sorry, too sharp.”

Mother: “That’s not funny. Let me speak to your manager.” [My favorite line.]

Me: [All smiles] “Yes." [dramatic pause] "How may I help you.”

Mother: [Blink-Blink] “When I come back here, you better have all these shelves changed or else.”

Me: [Can you feel the climax coming on?] “Or else what?”

Mother: [Indignantly] “I’ll sue.”

Me: [Here it comes, get your feet set.] “On the grounds that our store is not completely made of Nerf? That our store is at fault because your son has the grace of club footed armadillo? Or maybe the store is at fault because we weren’t watching your son as he ran through the store like a gerbil on crack?”

Mother: [gasping] “I don’t have time for this! Fix your store or I’ll have you fired and I'll own this store!” [Grabbing her boy who’s staring gapped mouth at me.]

Me: [All smiles again, waving as she leaves] “Have a great day and do be careful, don’t stub your toe as you get on the escalator…or bump your elbow on a sign…[yelling] or trip and break your leg on your lawyer!”

OK…back to the email.--

Thank you very much for listening, [Dude], and your patience, we are looking forward to hearing back from you very soon.
--IE: "Don't bother me again with this bullshit, stupid American Dog."--

Best regards,
[Foreign Dude]
General Manager

Bag of Ass and Called out.

The company I work for usually receives several metric tons of food gifts from vendors around the Christmas/New Year holiday week. These are promptly distributed amongst the mensch of the front office. I tend to invade this area and harvest as many spoils as I can.

While on my many expeditions for oranges and unidentifiable chocolates I came across a bag of chips...well I assumed that they were chips:















My first thought was..."These chips must taste like ass." Not just any ass, though, we're talking vegetarian ass. I've hung out with herbivores before, and they've got some of the worst gas than the heartiest of meat eaters.

So, as you can imagine, I passed on trying the "Gourmet" puffs of vegan ass with "Spinach and Kale".

Next, apparently Leesa has called me out on her blog. She practically begged me to do this, so blame her for the vulgarity that will soon grace your monitor...or, God willing, your conference room projector.

Without further ado...here's a picture of my 6" pen is, erect:

"I find your lack of faith disturbing."

Art vs Porn

I was originally going to show you pictures of a really obscene snack food that I saw over the holiday weekend, but this afternoon my boss brought me something that I just had to share with the blog world.

Below is a letter my company received from a disgruntled mother who purchased an item from one of our clients. Obviously, she could only get our address and we’re just a distribution center…more on (moron?) that later.

(I’ve changed the names and places to protect the ignorant…and my job.)

December 29, 2005

TO: [Map Company]
C/O [Kyuball’s Company]
[1234 w. 1st street]
[Midwest, ST 00000]

FROM: [Ignorant Bitch]
P.O. Box [558]
[West Cost City, NorthWest State 00000]

RE: Children’s Map of the Solar System
Sold in [Club Store] late spring 2005

On the 26th of December, 2005, I returned this map to [Club Store] in [NorthWestern City and State]. I spoke with the Assistant Manager, [Wimpy Limp-dick], who can be reached at [555-555-5555].

This product came packaged with two (2) maps: One (1) of the solar system; One (1) of the world. I had given the world map away as a present. The solar system map went to my nine year old son.

Upon my son’s exploration of your “children’s map,” he found a naked woman beneath the satellite: Magellan (to the left of the sun). The image is very small, but clearly identifiable. What does this say to our children-that satellite dishes are watching naked women?

This is entirely inappropriate for a “children’s map.” [Club Store] refunded my money 9which I wasn’t asking for) and assured me they would no longer be carrying your products in the future.

[illegible signature]

CC: [Club Store in Purchased City]
CC: New York Newspaper, Consumer Affairs, New York City, NY
CC: ABC and NBC Television, Consumer Affairs, [nearby major city]
CC: [Home State] Attorney General, [City Capitol, Home State]

Ok. Before I get to the pictures, let me destroy…I mean, present a brief rebuttal on the text of the above letter:

“This product came packaged with two (2) maps: One (1) of the solar system; One (1) of the world.”
Why did she spell out the numbers AND place them in parentheses? She’s not a lawyer and this is not a contract…she should have also placed her son’s age in parentheses.

“I had given the world map away as a present.”
What a cheap ass bitch. Ok…she’s not fooling anyone. She bought this in the SPRING…even if it were “Late Spring” that’s May or June. So, she’s been sitting on this for nearly 6 months. Yeah, right. Her brat didn’t want the world map, he just wanted Buck Rodgers…which means one of her nephews got a world map stuffed in a paper bag.

“Upon my son’s exploration of your ‘children’s map,’...”
There’s an image.

“What does this say to our children-that satellite dishes are watching naked women?”
No, satellites beam pictures of naked women to our television sets so that daddy can crank one off because he can’t get it up for mommy’s flabby ass anymore.

“…refunded my money 9which…”
Not my typo, it was hers.

“CC: New York Newspaper, Consumer Affairs, New York City, NY”
Ok, I love that she copied this to all these organizations…but the Newspaper is the best. What newspaper exactly? From what I can find, there is no “New York Newspaper”. She named every other agency by it’s specific name…except the newspaper.

Before I go on to the pictures, I want to remind you of one bit of text: “…he found a naked woman beneath the satellite: Magellan…”

Magellan…hmm, where did the Magellan probe go?

Disclaimer: I took these with my phone's camera, so spare me the lecture on composition.

Here’s a picture of the map: (The red circle is where the obscene satellite is located)














The Map is 54” x 38”…that’s 4.5 feet long, and over 3 high. Not a small poster.

Here’s a picture of the Magellan Satellite above the planet VENUS.















Here’s another picture of the satellite, this time I used a magnifying glass to boost the picture of the naked woman.















Here’s a bigger picture of the woman.


So, the caricature of the Magellan satellite is taking pictures of a naked woman standing on a shell. Now, where have I seen that before?


Oh…right.

Dumb, ignorant, close-minded, twit.

After making fun of this letter for an hour to co-workers and friends, I actually started to get mad. Someone this stupid was really trying to start a nationwide issue over a picture smaller than Eisenhower’s head on a dime.

What did I do? I tried to find this woman. First stop, Google. Winner! She has a website. She’s a paid speaker and has been published. She’s got several degrees and certifications in a few areas.

Most importantly…she’s uglier than Pug with a hairlip.

I’d share her web site with you…however, I’m sure that more than a few of you would contact her and give her the “what for”…then my cover would be blown and I really don’t want to lose my job over someone like this.

Anyway, this is getting way too long for my normal postings and I’m sure I’ve lost a few of you already. I’ll leave you with this: Don’t rely on the world to educate and raise your children, do it yourself.